The Child and Stress

Stressed Out Kids

It is well documented that stress has many negative effects on children. Medically, it has been proven that long-term stress can destroy the body’s immune system. Today’s children are not only required to deal with day-to-day stresses, but many are required to deal with catastrophic events that would be traumatic for wise adults to process in a healthy manner. Divorce rates, lack of happy home lives, stable environments, a media that is consumed with violence, sex, and alcohol are just a few of the many things that weigh heavily on our children. The results are higher rates of school and social dysfunction, drug and alcohol usage, and suicide. So what are parents to do? Well, the good news is that we have the opportunity to begin training our children NOW to handle stress in a positive manner.

Facts About Children and Stress

There are two types of stress your child will face: positive stress (such as winning a soccer game) and negative stress. Too much of either kinds of stress are a bad thing and can lead to distress. It is true that if your child carries a heavy positive stress load, it can cause complications in her life.

Because all individuals deal with negative stress in their lifetime, it is 100% guaranteed that your child will also face negative stress. There are two ways to deal with negative stress: avoidance or management.  Stress avoidance means that because of behaviors and decisions that are made, major difficulty can be avoided. This is a proactive way of preventing stress from happening. However, since some stressors, such as illnesses, failures, job losses, etc. are not avoidable, one must learn to manage them by problem solving.  Managing stress requires inner strength, wisdom, confidence, and  deep faith. These are qualities that people do not naturally develop—therefore it is the responsibility of you, the parent to help put these tools in your child’s “life tool box”.

How your child reacts to stress is more important than how much stress your child has or the type of stress your child has. That is why it is important to begin training your child now, in the early years, on how to deal with stressors appropriately. It is possible for even young children to begin to learn how to handle stress with proper guidance.

Warning Signs That Your Child May Be A Stressed Out Child

There are a number of warning signs that caregivers and parents should be aware of and sensitive to. Again— your child may  not have the ability to verbalize her feelings to you, so be sure to watch for these signs:

• Complaints of constant headaches (should be evaluated by a physician)
• Frequent complaints of not feeling well
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Reverting to Bed-wetting or accidents
• Shyness or unusual anxiety around certain people or one individual
• Stuttering
• Insomnia or Oversleeping
• Drop in School Performance
• Disciplinary problems
• Accident Proneness
• Attention-Getting Behavior
• Moodiness and Irritability

What’s Causing the Stress?

For young children, often sources of stress are caused from circumstances that parents can easily help them navigate and work through. Some common sources are:

• Fear of dark places or of the dark
• Fear of strangers
• Fear of being left by their parents (mommy or daddy will not come back)
• Fear of animals (fear of biting)
• Fear of going to school
• Fear of monsters, ghosts, and other imaginary scary figures
• Once they become aware of death, fear of abandonment—the death of a parent or loved one

 
As children age, the sources of their stress begin to change—becoming more complicated and serious. As children enter into adolescence, they are less likely to talk about their fears. It is imperative that parents maintain open and honest dialogue with their children so that they feel that they have someone to turn to when the burdens become to heavy.  Common sources of stress for teenagers are:

• Death of a family member, loved one, friend, or pet
• Change in family life—Divorce or separation of parents
• Conflict in the home
• Moving to a new home or new school, making new friends
• Picking up on the stress of one or both of the parents, such as work stress, illness, substance abuse, etc. and worrying about how to help
• Problems experienced by siblings—especially traumatic ones (leaving home, unexpected pregnancy, etc.)
• Learning how to have interpersonal relationships, dealing with peer pressure
• Physical problems, including appearances (acne, glasses, braces, and body image issues)
• Performance pressures—school, after-school job, sports, homework, and the demands of home life—especially when parents are demanding
• Substance Abuse
• Puberty

Your Child’s First Line of Defense

I have had parents ask me, “How do I know if my child is really sick or simply stressed.” The best answer I could give you is to say that you should absolutely have your child seen by a pediatrician and have any potential medical issues ruled out. Even if your child is stressed, the stress could be causing a medical problem and that problem needs to be treated. Medical problems create stress and stress creates medical issues. One begets the other and your pediatrician can help you determine the difference. However, if you are noticing more than one of the symptoms above, chances are that something is going on with your child.

Also—trust your gut instinct. No one knows your child like you do. If you are feeling or seeing red flags, follow through in investigating them in the calmest and most non-threatening manner you can.

Anyone who has ever been a part of raising children knows firsthand that when a conflict arises, your child does not want you involved. However, the truth is—it is your job to be involved. you are your child’s first line of defense against stress, evil, and other forces that would tear your child down. Our job as parents and caregivers goes beyond protecting children physically. The Lord calls us to also protect our children against any emotional and spiritual harm. Not all difficulties are harmful, so as a wise parent you must discern what is harmful and what is not; where to step in and where you should not.

How to Help Reassure The Younger Child

One of the things I always try to drive home to parents in coaching sessions is that they should never ridicule their child for feeling a certain way—even if it does not make sense to them. Your child’s feelings are very real to him and they should be respected. Let him know that it is okay to be worried about certain things and assure him that, though he may be scared, a time will come when he no longer will be. It may help him if you are honest with him about some of your fears when you were his age.

Problem solve with your children. For example, if fear of the dark and monsters are a source of stress for your young toddler, take it seriously. Listen intently to what your child tells you about his fear. Look under his bed and in his closet with him and show him there are no monsters there. Perhaps purchase a special child’s flashlight for him to help him through this fear (I am very fond of the dinosaur flashlights that roar when they light up for children who are going through this stage).

Children who are very stressed and struggling with their fears may regress to an earlier development stage, be more dependant on you, and even go back to “acting like a baby”. During this time, be patient and know this stage will not last for long. All children want to “be big kids”. Continue to support him and love him through it (Note: Do not say “Stop acting like a baby”). Once your child has learned how to process the fear, he will go back to his old self again. Once he conquers a fear, be sure to point it out to him so that he realizes his success and can learn from it. When a new fear arises, you will be able to use it as a reference point to remind him that, though it may be scary right now, he will get through this too.

Create a Positive Home Atmosphere

One of the best things you can do to alleviate stress for your children is to create a secure and positive home environment. In today’s high-paced and schedule packed society, this is one of the most challenging tasks you will have because children pick up on their parents’ stress—even when words are not spoken. Some suggestions on what might help you create an environment of security for your children:

• Be cautious not to discuss or express your own anxieties in front of your children. Small children need to be able to be children and are not able to process and handle the stress of your anxieties.
• Practice purposeful parenting by putting your children’s needs before your own.
• Show plenty of affection—hugging, kisses, and other signs of affection are very much needed by your children.
• Take time to listen to your children, giving them your full attention. Show true interest in how they feel and their opinions. After you have heard them out, provide appropriate feedback.
• When you are wrong or have wronged them, ask for forgiveness. Begin setting the example early on that it is okay to admit when you are wrong and ask for forgiveness.
• Nurture interpersonal relationship within the family. Spend time together as a family, but also spend one-on-one time with each child.

We cannot protect our children from all stress, and we certainly cannot prevent stress from entering their lives. However, we can help them learn to navigate this stressful world by providing them with the tools they need, home stability and self-esteem.